you make me want to try

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Mara,

I was going to stay home tonight. I had it all planned out.. me, my couch, my blanket, that show I've been rewatching for the fourth time because I can't seem to commit to anything new. And then you texted "come out?". And my first instinct was no. No because I'd have to put on real pants. No because people are exhausting. No because I'm safer inside my little bubble where nothing unpredictable happens.

But then I thought of you waiting for me somewhere, checking the door every time it opened. And suddenly the bubble didn't feel like safety. It felt like missing something.

You make me want to try. And I don't mean in the cliche "you make me a better person" way.. I mean actually try. To show up. To be present. To say yes to things I'd usually find excuses to avoid.

I'm not built for "yes." I'm built for rescheduling, for "maybe next week," for staying home because the idea of doing something is heavier than the doing itself. But with you, it's lighter. Like how last weekend you convinced me to walk to that market even though it was raining. I was grumpy about it until you made me try one of those stupid mini donuts and my mood flipped like a switch. You didn't even gloat.. you just handed me another one and kept walking.

You don't make a big deal out of my little victories. You don't treat me like a project. You just.. invite me in, and somehow it makes me want to meet you there. I've never had that before.

And it's not just the big things. It's how you look up from your phone when I start talking. How you wait for me to finish a story even if I lose my train of thought halfway through. How you text me "u alive?" instead of "good morning" because you know mornings and I aren't friends.

I said yes tonight because of you. Because I know you'll smile when you see me, and it'll be the kind of smile that makes me forget how much effort it took to leave my apartment.

You make me want to try. And that feels huge for someone like me. And maybe I haven't said it enough, but I notice the way you make things easier without ever making me feel like I'm falling. I notice, Mara.

Anyway. I'm coming. Save me a seat.

-N

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