the me you deserved came too late

Nico,

I've rewritten this a thousand times and it still doesn't sound right. Maybe because nothing I say will make up for what I didn't say when I had the chance. But here goes nothing. Or maybe here goes everything.

I miss you. There. That's the part I always want to skip, like it isn't still sitting in the room with me, breathing heavier than I do.

You were so patient with me.

You waited while I figured myself out. You stayed through the messes I pretended weren't mine. You showed up, again and again, even when I didn't even know how to ask.

You once brought me a coffee with a sticky note that said, "I know you won't say it, but I can tell today is a heavy day. Let me carry part of it." I think about that a lot. Not just the note. But the way you knew. You always knew. And I never said thank you the way I should've.

I thought I had time.

Time to get better. Time to become the version of me who could love you without fear, without walls, without sharp edges. I thought healing was something I could do next to you. But it turns out, healing made me late. And when I finally showed up.. barefoot, wide-eyed, ready.. you were already gone.

The me you deserved came too late.

Now I eat my breakfast without you across the table. I sleep in the middle of the bed, but it still feels uneven. And every time I get something right about myself, I want to show you. Every time I grow, I want to tell you, "Look, I could've been good to you."

But I'm not yours to be good to anymore.

You loved a version of me who couldn't hold it properly. Who flinched at soft things. Who ran from the very thing she asked the universe for.

And now?

Now I hold doors open for people. I say sorry without choking. I let love stay longer. I let light in.

But none of it matters the way I thought it would. Because you're not here to see it. To see me.

The version of me you waited for.

If by some miracle this ever reaches you, I hope you're loved now in all the ways I couldn't manage. And if you think of me, I hope it's soft.

Just know... I got there. It just wasn't in time.

-the one who loved you wrong