are you going to disappear someday?

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Moss,

You're still here, but my brain is already preparing for the part where you're not. I hate that about me. I hate that every time something feels good, I start looking for the exit sign.

It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that I've watched too many people fade in slow motion. First they answer slower. Then they cancel more often. Then they stop sharing the little things.. like what they had for breakfast or that dumb meme they laughed at, or how their boss mispronounced "cinnamon." And before I even realize it, they've disappeared. Like they were never really mine to begin with.

I keep trying to tell myself you're different. You feel different. But you also feel fragile. Like I have to hold you in both hands and breathe carefully so you won't slip.

You once said, "I'm not going anywhere." And I nodded. But I didn't believe you. Not because you're a liar. But because I've learned that "not going anywhere" just means "not yet."

Do you know I count the hours between your replies? Do you know I screenshot your texts so I can reread them in case they stop coming? Do you know I keep your voice in my head when I'm washing dishes or waiting for the kettle to boil? God, I sound unhinged.

Maybe I am.

It's just... you're the kind of person I could spend years memorizing. And the thought of losing you feels like someone already took the ground from under me and forgot to warn me.

So I guess I'm asking. Are you going to disappear someday? And if you are.. can you just.. not make it quiet? Can you slam the door instead, so I know when it happens? So I don't keep looking at the empty doorway, thinking you're still about to walk back in?

I hope you stay.
I really, really hope you stay.

-L

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